mental health

The failure box gets another thing in it 

Today can go suck it. 

And not because this morning my leg gave out from under me causing me to mess an entire mug of perfectly good coffee and hurting some or other muscle. 

And not because Fysh dropped a brand new jar of cheese spread that I had to clean up and throw out or that he spilled an entire bowl of popcorn all over my floor. 

Not even because telkom has capped my uncapped Internet when I have shit to finish. 

It can suck it because today I my anxiety and lack of self confidence is high. And I’m sitting here in stupid tears that I know are stupid with feelings I know are dumb but they won’t go away. Why? Well because of something that shouldn’t even really matter to a normal person. 

A while back a magazine contacted me and asked if I’d be willing to join them for an article revolving around mental health. I said of course I would, I’m all about being an advocate and talking about it so that at least one person out there feels like they aren’t alone and that is okay to ask for help. 

Today a friend posted said article cause she’s in it and I’m telling myself it’s great that they posted it. It’s fantastic. They have a way bigger each than I do and can help more people. And she’s an amazing person who is awesome for it. 

But despite telling myself this I still feel like that loser in high school not invited to sit with the cool kids. I still feel rejected. And that brings up every single fucking bad feeling and amplifies it to infinity because that’s how my brain works. 

So even though I KNOW I’m supposed to be happy and appreciate all the awesome things I’ve done etc my feelings are on a loop telling me I’m not good enough, I’m pathetic, too fat, too loud, 28 and a failure with financial issues still trying to fool herself into thinking she can become a successful illustrator and writer. Telling me to just give it all up because trying is fucking futile. 

And I am not writing this for attention so please keep any nasty ass comments to yourself. I’m writing it because it fucking sucks and hopefully one person will see this and it will stick with them and be in the back of their mind and that’ll help someone else one day. Or maybe it’ll help you. 

Tomorrow I’ll be fine and carrying on again but this will be stuck with me forever, filed in that box that contains every stupid thing and every failure ever and every time I do something there will be that horrible little voice reading down the list of that box’s contents reminding me I’m pathetic even though I know I’m not. If that makes any sense. 
I hope that your Monday has been less Monday-ish than mine. And if you need a reminder… You are amazing and capable of anything you set your mind to ♥ 

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