sometimes I just want to fit in

There are days when I feel embarrassed to be me. Maybe embarrassed isn’t the right word, I don’t know what word fits. I feel sad to be me? Maybe not that either.

I rely on a handful of medication to help me function as a “normal” person, maybe normal is a bit of a stretch, more like to help me function enough to appear like I fit in. Why? Because I have a personality disorder. I’m litterally a flawed individual. I’m a genetic misfit to the point that despite having a perfectly healthy kid (apparently I have a lot of luck) they still don’t want my eggs because I might produce a child like me. I might produce a child who doesn’t fit in properly or is prone to depression. So no one wants my genetics. Which is sad and hurtful, am I not a person to? Am I such a burden that someone wouldn’t want a kid like me? I think I’m pretty awesome, I have a lot of issues yeah and I deal with a lot on a daily basis but I’m still human, I still feel things. Actually that right there is my problem. I feel too much. Thats kinda the short version of borderline personality disorder; I lack the chemicals that control emotions. I over feel things and become overwhelmed quickly.

I shouldn’t let it bother me but it actually does. There are SO many people out there who want kids but if you’re so desperate for a child then why are you so fussy? Sarah over there’s eggs might carry an extra chomosome but you’ll take hers. Why is there such a huge stigma on mental health? I don’t understand it. I really don’t. I just want to feel like I fit in, that all this fight is worth it, like I don’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not just so I’m liked.

I don’t really do that anymore really, pretend to fit in. I now embrace my awkwardness, my quirks and oddities but I posted a photo that Lauren took at Fysh’s party of my mom, sister, brother and I where we’re all laughing and someone asked what we were laughing at cause it looked so funny and you know what? I have no idea. I didn’t hear the joke or whatever, I just didn’t want to seem like the odd one out cause my mom wanted a nice family photo. So I laughed at nothing to fit in. How sad is that.

Ever feel like you weren’t meant to be on this planet? Like you’re supposed to be somewhere else, meant for something else, something more. Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck inside a house above the streets and watching people go by, those people being life and the house being borderline personality disorder.

There’s no point or sense to this, very contradicting I know. Just feelings and words in my head at 5 in the morning.

5 comments on “sometimes I just want to fit in”

  1. They don’t want my eggs either – my hip issues are hereditary. Kiara did have slight issues – only presents in girls. So no one wants me either :) I am ok with it. I do feel I have contributed to society and over population with my 4 :-p

    I do hear you though and it does suck, especially when you can give something that would make someone else happy!

    I recently went through a bit of a moment. It involved not being included in my high school reunion DESPITE being FB friends with 10 people who actually went. There was much “Oh we thought you knew” rubbish. It took me back 20 years to feeling inadequate and the odd one out. So I ranted and then realised – WHY??? I have the best circle of friends who I can be me with, I have an awesome husband, we have a good life. WHY do I need their approval. So I removed them from my life and let it go! (I do still have moments where I want to kick their shins like a 8 year old but for the most part I don’t want to fit in with them)

    1. My 10 year reunion is next year and am also wondering if I’m going to be invited. I don’t think I really care that much about it though, I hated school and pretty much everyone in my grade, I’m still friends with less than a handful of them and none of feel we need the validation, it’s such a show and show at these things. A “look what I went and became” but it also means I’ll see some people who I should avoid cause I’ll probably punch them in the face if I do see them.

      The egg thing just gets to me even though I’m not really sure why. I feel like I should also matter you know? People so badly want kids but they go and screen you and say you’re not good enough. It just sucks.

      Your kids are gorgeous, you totally did society a favour xxx

  2. If I may…..
    I almost went ahead with an egg donor IVF, we got as far as choosing our donor before we received the news about Ava and the cycle got cancelled. So talking from a possible recipients POV… and this is not to sound callous at all ok? But….
    Most women, who go ahead with a donor cycle, have been on one hell of an emotional ride already so I’m thinking that the reason most agencies put in such strict criteria is to give them (the recipient) the best possible chance at a 100% healthy child. I know that seems like you’re being rejected and I guess on so many levels you are, but try not to see it that way.
    Having said that… I can’t comment on your personality disorder but I do no a little something something about depression. And it sucks. And trying to fit in… I think that’s something we’re all just trying to do.
    P.S. if it makes you feel any better, I’m totally fabulous (hahahaha) but they wouldn’t consider my crap eggs either, I mean I’m a Trisomy 13 carrier… go goggle it… basically i make cyclopses! xxx

    1. thanks lady, you actually did make me feel a little better about it. Was just something that’s been nagging at me and clearly it was time I wrote about it. After writing it though and re-reading it I guess i can see why someone would rather not willingly have a child like me hahaha. They’re missing out though. Just saying.

  3. I’m too old and anyway would probably have been rejected anyway after having had a daughter with a chromosome deficiency. Oh well. I feel you though regarding not fitting in. I am really bad at small talk and have spent my whole life feeling like I don’t fit in. Even now, when I am old enough to know better.

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