Dear Future me, I’m posting this because hopefully at some point it’ll pop up in your timeline again and you’ll be able to appreciate all you have so much more because you know where you’ve been and what you’ve come from…
My car just died in Stellenbosch when I popped to town to get some yarn for an order. Correction, it didn’t die, it’s done that twice before so that’s the wrong term, it more like gave up. The gearbox is fucked. *insert manic laugh* I googled new gearboxes and repairs…
I still owe about 20k on my car to the bank as well as 16k in mechanical repair debt from when my head gasket blew and insurance refused to pay it cause it’s “a mechanical issue and your comprehensive insurance does not mean THAT comprehensive”. And I am two payments behind on monthly instalments because a client pulled out of a big design project that I put things aside for mid project and left me in a financial hole. I am also behind on cell payments, traffic fines that are out for arrest apparently, licence fees, insurance and Eskom needs a big payment made as I’ve been paying half the account every month instead of the full amount just so they don’t cut it. I homeschool because I can not afford school, friends have bought me groceries and I am this far from simply throwing my hands in the air and saying fuck everything and going to squat somewhere.
Why don’t you just get a job?
I’ve applied to work but there are a few things the matter; unless I can get a salary big enough it’s sort of going to cost me to work like it has for the past few years, where my 9 to 5 will pay for the schooling and aftercare and diesel and then I’ll still have to work when I get home so that I can pay for everything else and food. Thing is my sister left school and went to go and study at a big fancy college while I finished matric, by the time I was ready to go and study there was “no money for you, sorry”. (Yes I am still bitter.) So I’ve been left to do courses as I can and learn as people are willing to teach me. I am just as able if not more capable than some people in things but oddly enough companies don’t actually care about this, they don’t give a shit about experience and that. They want the fancy papers that said I sold my soul to the education system and student loans. So not only do I have BEE working against me (yes, it’s a thing. Say what you will.) and I don’t have a certificate from a university saying I did all the shit, easy enough to fake, my design skills are that good but that’s not legal. I can’t get a job that pays more than 7 grand. Yes it’s more than I make now but right now I’m not paying travelling costs, school fees and after care fees which all equal up to… over 7 grand.
Which is why I work my ass off to try and work for myself and why I am constantly attempting to make and do and learn new things that will bring in a few rands. This no maintenance “because he is your stepdads son not mine and my family hates you because you’re too honest” thing really grates me at my worst some times. You’re there living the life earning pounds and getting the government to pay for everything while I work so fucking hard I get RSI and full blown debilitating stress and anxiety attacks. Yeah, seems fair to me to.
Again, I don’t need your pity, it would be amazing if you bragged about my awesome skills to people and they bought crocheted goods or had stuff designed but it’s cool. I’ve got this. Actually I don’t but I’m going to get a handle on this. I have no idea how yet but Fuck that shit I am going to damn well try. If I end up in jail for debts not paid then I will ask you all to start a pool to bail me out though if you don’t mind. That’d be great.
Also, future me, I hope you’ve arranged that threesome for The Person for all the help and for cutting his holiday short to come home and help out.
I need to work on letting go a lot of anger I clearly still hold on to and being more positive. Easier said than done though cause the moment I think “yeah baby, I’ve got this” life has a good laugh and thinks I need to start again.
Now for a glass of gin and ginger ale, some really loud linkin park or sr-71 or rasmus or something while I clean up The Person’s already clean house, maybe a nap and then I’m going to tackle this thing head on. There has to be a ladder out of this hole, or at least a few footholds.